I really have no idea what I want to write about today. Not a lot going on for me. Still waiting to get any kind of conversation from Kelly. I may call her tonight or tomorrow. I think the biggest thing on my mind...besides her obviously...has been my relationship with God...my spiritual side. I totally believe that one needs not to be religious, but spiritual. In fact, the Pharisees and Sadduccees of the Bible were religious. Thats exactly what we don't wanna be. I've been reading the bible a lot lately and even attending a bible study with some of my friends. Not that this is anything new for me, but its a different pattern here as of late. I think if more people would get in touch with their spiritual side instead of being religious, we'd all be better off. So many people get caught in the traditions of religion that they forget that spirituality involves growth. Our spirit grows...our relationship with God grows. I'm a big believer that our modern day churches, for the most part but not all, are not what God intended them to be. In fact, Jesus thought the ancient temple was a disgrace to the kingdom so he went in and told the fools how it was. I only wish that could happen to some our churches today. What does God think about them? Sure, for the most part they try and do good, but you know we fall so short. Do we even need a church? We lost touch as to what a "church" is. A "church" is a body of believers. But we put so much pride and millions of dollars sometimes in buildings called the "church." Why? Sure, its great for the body of "members" that go there, but what purpose does it serve to those non "members" ? I'm not saying its wrong, I'm not really sure, but I do know that it can't be the way God intended it to be. Some of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had, had nothing to do with the building I was in or the church that I was at. In fact, I'd say that they all occured else where. So what do we do? Where do we go from here as believers? Something to ponder on.
I was swept away in a very heavy rain the other day You were there, you caught my stare and there was no chance of me looking away Your blonde hair was blowing in the wind and your lightly tanned face was a glow with a beautiful, bright smile It was like my soul had traveled for miles I went days without water - but all I needed was to hold you for awhile Taken away and covered with your grace I could sleep forever within your embrace I can't run this race without you leading my pace This world's too fast to travel through alone So tonight I'll sleep with my eyes to the east counting down the hours till I return.....home
Manisfestation of indigestion I don't understand your never ending questions You can't get under me-no matter how hard you try In your mind all I do is lie The translation of your communication Leads me to believe that you don't love me And that's ok - I've got better things to do Than sit around and wait on you You can't look me in the eye and tell me why So I'll try, but this time will be my last Digesting our past - if this doesn't last things will end with a blast And if that's not enough.....then good-bye!
So I met this woman the other day Her voice was sweet, and I don't know her very well, but I know I'm not so incomplete I feel estactic - in fact - not so pathetic as I did the day before Half past the hour, straight from my shower, a voice fills the air It says I should trust no one under the sun, but heaven's not under the sun..... In my sleep, I dream of the day when everyone in the room will disappear Where there's the two of us , and we're drawn near Proceed with little fear This could be the year that love whisper's in my ear
Today, I'm thinking about you Like where you are and the things you like to do Somewhere out there is where you lay your head You rest and escape the world and this life of stress But I can picture you now....a smile on your face-a song on your lips Your hair blowing in the wind and tattered jeans low on your hips Your eyes glisten with the passing of the sun But the moon won't be outdone and glows brighter after earth and heaven become one Your sweet voice can calm the sea and your words of affection will always soothe me You can take me away to our own bit of paradise day after day In our own part of forever we will rest After the struggles of life have put us to the test I'll love you no less I don't know where you are, but you can't be that far I'll pray for you every day And I'll be looking your way-I don't, maybe I'll meet you today But who ever you are, I love you And I'm gonna be the man of your dreams This, I pledge to you
27 My name is Johnny Lee- I work a dead end job to stay on my own two feet Every night about a quarter till 9, I'm usually tipping up a bottle...or somewhere around that time I don't have a lot to show for the years I've worked No girlfriend-a life that makes a better joke and an old car that smokes I'm too young to feel this old And at night I ache when my bones get cold Twenty-Seven I'll be in June It's coming up way too soon But I guess they all do Some people get better with age I'd rather lose track of time and exit the stage But I guess I'll hang around here for awhile Things aren't that bad.....I just need to find my smile
So this may come a shock to all of you...but I have write it out. My ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up for a while now, but we still talk and communicate. And although I've tried to get over her, I just can't. All this came to head Sunday when I finally realized how much I screwed up and that I really do miss her. I miss her profusley. It almost makes me sick to my stomach. We didn't have a bad break up at all...in fact I think makes it worse. So here I am on Monday at a crossroad. I've gotta have her back. One of the reasons she left is becasue of my inability to committ when I should had. I was committed to her, but not to marriage, although I wanted that. Just not at the time. Well, funny, I want it now. So I did the unthinkable yesterday. I went, picked out a super nice ring, got my tux all cleaned up, and met her at her apt last night. I wrote some words that I expressed to her and then got on one knee and asked her to be my wife.................................... She said............................................. I'll have to think about it.....I just need time. One can look at this in different ways. She didn't say no...but it wasn't yes. We've been apart for a little while so now she says she's confused. This is good. It means she's thinking really hard. So I talked a little longer and backed up what I had said before......now its up to her. I left the ring there along with the letter. Now I have to wait....and wait....and wait....but I'll wait till she says yes. For those that read this, pray, or do whatever it is you do and get in my corner. I need all the help I can get here. I love this woman so much. I don't want to spend another day without her. Advice would be nice too...what do you think she'll say? Should I reinforce my statements once more or should I just not call her and let her come to me? I"m so stressed and worried. I did this because I don't want any regrets ever. Now I'll really know how she feels.
Thanks to everybody that commented on my last posted writing. I appreciate all comments, and especially yours Angie. Hope you have a kicking weekend. I'm really stumped as what to write today. Russell got in from L.A. yesterday. Its always good to see that gay blade. He's such a good friend...the best. Although we don't get to see each other as much anymore, when he comes in its like we didn't miss a beat. Tonight should be interesting. Later we're going to my houseboat to chill and enjoy some sunshine...then tonight its dinner and Russ, Billy and I...maybe my bro Jo-Nathan too, are getting pimped out and going out to Michaels. Gotta clean up the hotrod for the night on the town sometime today. Its not 2fast 2furious unless its clean ya dig. hahaha I'll keep you updated as to what happens. Should be a great weekend...been looking forward to this for so long. 8)
Here's a little something I wrote a while back...some have asked for more...so here it is.....
It was over before it started Tired and restless, my struggles consumed me If there's no way out- will I fight to the death? Or will I accept defeat and breath from the grave? You don't know what it's like to live again unless you've been dead And one day your wind will blow cold Underneath this stress we all become beautifully depressed Lost within temptation-destroyed without rest If I pass through the gates I will have won my greatest test When that day comes, lo and behold I'll be waiting, just like you......for my cold wind to blow
Wow...I think I still taste the green beer I had last night...I know that I STILL taste the nasty gut bombs we call Krystals from 3 am this morning. Had a great night last night for St. Patty's day. Started out at the Urban Bar where we watched UT lose yet another basketball game...the men that is...the women's team kicks ass. Then went over to Hannah's to get some retro dancing in. I had a mass of green beads so you know I had to take advantage of this. If I saw a beautiful girl without beads I went over...beaded her...and danced with her for a minute. For my last feat...I decided to venture into a circle of about 8 girls dancing...I beaded all of them and then proceeded to make me a Justyn sandwich...with plenty of Justyn in the middle and lots of heavenly woman bread...hahaha...I'm retarded. After that, it was over to Tonic where we met up with Bird and Megan. So its me, Bird, Billy, my bro Jonathan, and Megan. Saw lots of friends and had a great time. Had to get my dance on cause you know I'm a dancing fool. All in all, it was a great time. Looking forward to Russ coming in today. I'm sure Billy and I will think of something to do to embarass him when he gets off the plane. He hates it when we call him a movie star for some reason, so we like to treat him like that. Becasue in essence...he really is a movie star. He's been in more movies than the rest of us lol. By the way, check out his work in The Rules of Attraction....great movie. So we were thinking of getting a bunch of people to swamp him for autograph's or something. Gonna be interesting.
Whare's me pot o gold!? hahaha Happy St. Patty's Day to all out there. I've got my green shirt on, my Kiss me I"m Irish button (hint...i"m not really Irish...shhh), my green doggy underwear...hahaha. I'm ready to have a green beer...oh, and my green Mt. Dew. Should be an interesting night. I don't normally recommend club hopping on a week night, but I'll make an exception tonight. Tonight begins a furious few days of partying. My best friend Russell...who is an actor in LA, will be coming in tomorrow night. He's been a few movies, but most notably The Rules of Attraction where he played Richard "Dick" . Best part of the movie. Anywho, he'll be in for a few days to kick it, so we're gonna tear Knoxville a new one. Party like rock stars. Stay tuned.
So much to say...where do I start....hmmm. Last night I was bored with my look, so I decided to change it. Yeah I put some bleach in my hair. I'm feeling punk rock these days so I figured I'd go with it. Its nice to just do what you feel sometimes. We'll keep it for awhile and see how the ladies like it lol. I'm doomed hahaha. The dating game is cruel. I'm not sure I even wanna go through it again. Although I do get a kick out of the chase...but thats where it all goes to crap for me sometimes. Have you ever wondered how the crap you're gonna find that one person. I know I'm always the optimistic one...so why should I worry? I don't really, but here lately I'll be honest...yeah I"m human..I've worried. I know the one is out there...she's somewhere doing her hair...sleeping...maybe she's writing a report for work...maybe she's got the day off and she's cleaning the house...I don't know...but she's out there. One day, maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but one day she'll reveal herself to me. Till then I guess I'll do what I do. I'll get shot down at the bar or the club, get the iggy at the grocery store, or the cold stare at the mall till she says hello. I'm waiting
March 13th has come and passed with little sound. But don't think that the curse didn't strike..becasue it did. The worst thing that happened during the curse this time around was that a close friend of mine revealed to me that we weren't that close. We had a bit of a seperation if you will and that friendship is almost over. The friend is actually an ex, but we were working on our friendship. It just seems that even that's not gonna work. Other than that...the curse is over for this year.....let it rest till the next.
For whatever reason, I spent a pretty lonley night at home alone last night. Not unlike any others that I've spent alone, but this one seemed different. I was REALLY ALONE....ALONE .....ALONE. For the first time in a long time I felt the consequences of being alone. The silence at times was deafining. But maybe it was good for me. I think I may have needed the wake up call. I wrote a little last night....some of you don't know that I write verse...songs...poetry...what ever you may call it. So here it is.... Not having you around has been the worse part of me When every time I fail it would be so easy to put the blame on you But where were you the day the sides were choosing It's me against me against me Somehow in the abyss of eternity I lost my way And it was you...that brought me to life Only for me to make you invisible I trusted you and gave my life to you But minutes ago we were...minutes ago we were...slitting our wrists with my incompacity to forgive The days I once lived, burned with the acid of sin Once again, I step up to defeat me My defeat will be your Glory
Maybe its the weather...but I feel good. Should be an interesting weekend....lots on tap...hopefully I'll get to go out with Kym....Billy and I will do something...and the kids team I coach plays two very important games this weekend. I'd like to make the sweep, but I'm just happy to get to coach. I love watching the kids play and have a part in their success. I just hope something I've done this season will have an influence on their lives like my past coaches did. Plus...how cool is it to be able to coach my brother....I love it. Its gonna be action-jam packed! hahaha Angie, hope you have a great weekend too....can't be as exciting as last weekend...but I'm sure it'll be fun hahaha.
And so it begins....for me, the most dreaded week of my year. This is the St. Particks Day curse as I call it. For whatever reason, the week of March 13th is my worst week. Anything bad that happens to me generally happens this week. Hmm..where should I start to explain? It all goes back to about 5 years ago. My high school sweet heart and I dated for over 2 yrs....her birthday is March 13th....the week before her birthday she broke off our engagement which resulted in our eventual demise. For those of you that don't know that I was married at one time...well..now you know. My wedding anniversary was on March 13th...it snowed that day...obviously the marriage ended within horrible circumstances...at least for me. Two yrs ago this girl I was dating suddenly disappeared and never called me again...it was starting to be a more serious relationship..but she decided it was done with no explanation...the date...March 13th...This past Sunday night, a very close of friend, actually an ex girlfriend, decided that it would be best for us to not be friends given that it was too hard for her. Our relationship lasted about 20 months and ended really in dec under mutal circumstances, but now it seems even the friendship isn't sacred. Those are just the big things. There are countless small things but that would take forever to mention. Today's only Tues....five days to outlast this curse.
Alright...I don't know where this entry will lead, but here goes anyways. I've got so much to say, but I don't think I'll say it all at once. First I wanna talk about my trip this past weekend. Wow. Amazing. Started off by going to Angie's house to kick it with her and Kristie along with Billy. They took Billy and I on an adventure through several county back roads and stopped at just about every honky tonk bar along the way....4 to be exact. We finally ened up at the Turtle where we wittnessed a wet t-shirt that was won by the girl that Billy happened to be skeezing on. Suprising seeing as how she totally didn't look the type to do a wet t-shirt contest. We had a blast....Angie...thank you. So now on to Sunday. Started off a little rough don't tell anyone. Just had a massive head ache thats all. So we finally get to the hotel around 12 ish....hang out there for awhile, then it was off to meet an old friend Becky. Becky is Russell's ex. Russell is mine and Billy's long time 3rd amigo who now lives in L.A. Anywho, we have a few brews at a cool place called the SouthStreet, nice little biker bar near downtown Nashville. Becky works next door at Boundry's....so we wait till its time for her to come in and we're sitting outside when she walks up. We hadn't seen her in like 5 years, so she didn't recognize us till I said...." Boom! Kazensky!" She about fainted I think. It was awesome.....hung out with her for about 10 mins then it was off to the show....that's right.....Linkin Park...POD...Hoobastank...Story of the Year. Had great seats...wasn't the pit...but it was good. Story of the Year put on one kick ass show. So much energy. If you haven't heard them...check'em out. Hoobastank was ok....not my cup of tea, but ok. POD was amazing. I've been a POD fan since like 95...way before anyone knew who they were, so this was like an evolution for me. They're so different than what they used to be, but their music still speaks to me. Now......Linkin Park. I can't say enough about this band. The show was amazing. So much energy...I stood and shouted every word to every song. And you know I was all about head banging and thrashing around. My head still hurts from that. The highlight....One Step Closer and A Place For My Head.....back to back. This was like a pilgramige for me because the lyrics to their music sums up some particualr times in my life. Every word, every beat, every riff. Wow. Afterwords we went to a small bar with Becky and Josh. Got a little crunked and then went back to the hotel motel...best western inn! It was such a great trip. I had a blast with Billy Becky Angie and Kristie. I can't wait to do it again.
